In the last few months, one of the things that’s been happening behind the scenes here is a process of testing, interviews, and consultations to try and better understand how my brain (dys)functions. And in what was probably “the easiest money of his life” for the neuropsychologist involved (according to our dear Tavos), at the CID reveal party I received a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level I support. It’s a Sonic, folks.
Chronic depression with a current episode leaning towards severe was also corroborated. And ADHD is inconclusive, because the depression is influencing everything in a way that could mix one thing with the other. Nevertheless, if in a more controlled state it’s discovered that I have both, ASD would be predominant.
In the post-world we live in, there are still people who receive such a diagnosis negatively. I can’t fathom why — there’s no disadvantage in getting a little closer to the truth in this aspect. And this coming from me means something. (Yes, I added that dash myself)
Anyway, the continuous mental misery is inexorable. In the worst-case scenario, you can better direct the therapy you avoid doing. There’s no cure or treatment, only management. Everything is just like before.
The Past
Once again, depression appears with its claws, this gravitational abyss towards which my mind is heading. My results confidently point to a severe degree of depression. No surprises here. What impressed me most was how this degree, along with the high tide period I’m in, interacts with ASD when I stop to think about it.
As I’ve already told some people, I’ve been randomly reflecting on past situations under the light of this new context. And things start to make much more sense than when it was simply the fault of my existential anguish. It’s difficult for me to find the words, because I conceptualize my emotions as an amalgam of heavy, amorphous clouds that interact with each other forming textures, but there’s a whole dynamic that emerges when something within me that can be justified as part of ASD is triggered and given a boost by a reaction of depression and/or anxiety. One thing creates a stepping stone for another to rise further. It’s a dynamic duo that doesn’t necessarily make the final reaction easier to explain as a jumble of emotions and thoughts, but it allows me to better rationalize internally.
The Present?
After all that, what changes?
I don’t know.
When I started thinking about trying to write again, I thought this would be a large part of what I was going to write, but I think it will be the smallest. I’ll even skip to the next one.
After skipping, here I am.
During the follow-up appointment, there was a discussion about a hypothesis regarding my greater ability in the past to mask and resist stressful events, and the impression that such ability has worsened over time. There’s a pretty clear alignment between more acute episodes of depression and the worsening of which I would call the maximum charge of this battery. I’m not necessarily at my worst high tide at the moment, not by a long shot. But it’s clear to me that I’ve become much more limited by the constant environmental pressure.
The Future…?
Given a scenario where I regain a measure of control over my depression, an opportunity arises to confirm or rule out an underlying ADHD. It’s complicated, for there’s a tension between some of the most common tendencies of ASD and those of ADHD. Even some of the characteristics that are most obvious in me currently are the most paradoxical. My hyperfocus (and my will to maintain it) is undermined by multiple endeavors that begin and go nowhere. I insist on preaching at home about creating and maintaining routines so I can reduce my cognitive load. Guess who ends up being the most chaotic?
This is the part that becomes difficult to understand, because in the context of this tug-of-war, everything related to the duck called ADHD walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck seen through binoculars, but it could be a well-disguised black swan called depression.
Discovering what is and isn’t the fault of depression is what will define in the future whether I also have ADHD or if I only present effectively identical symptoms because of it and its interaction with ASD in my specific scenario.
Good luck to us all.